I wonder if the women he is having affairs with are married? He couldnt be held accountable for what I was feeling, he had done nothing negative. I only asked you to let me know when you made it back via phone so I knew you made it ok. You did not call me for three days after you came back and it took me calling you mother because I was worried and her telling you that, for you to call me. Also 10 Steps To Overcome Co-dependence. He wanted to stay but I was too difficult to live with. Ann, I hear ya on missing the good. Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript in your browser. Do I defend myself how do I handle the lies he tells me or texts me. Even my grown sons do not understand what I nightmare I went through twice. When you want to hold sway with someone (not only a person with narcissistic tendencies) the equation works something like this . Neg hitting, a compliment followed by a slight insult, is one of his favourites. I have the same questions as TANYA and also wonder where to start, do i say I love you and forgive you and just start? The work you do must be exhausting and yet rewarding! His response is that he does not need to tell us whether or not he has moved on, while hurting the ones that love him because not care that he who calls us his family, is feeling this change in him, and yet he refuses to explain. He has different roles for different situations. We made the agreement that we would split the payment and insurance in the meantime so you had a car to drive. He was physical abuseive at times and pretending he did nothing or I lied or to blame me really messes my self worth up. Is Narcissism a Choice? | Narcissist Hunter - medium.com I hope that you can turn this marriage around like you did your last! Vindictive narcissists are known to have a hard time letting go of anger and resentment, and may hold grudges against people for things that happened long ago. Things crumbled he was a extremely paranoid, trusted no one, every body out to get him, stealing from him.became unemployed depressed and isolated him self. Your comment stuck with me. I know that it is true by the company thst he keeps. Hi sonia And I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I really was obsessed about his cheating. I want to believe them so much. And do narcissists project more than the average bear? I found out you didnt sent her anything. The only one who is going to take care of you or really cares how your life turns out is you! And I just been letting get away with these destructive things. Getting our own relationship situations under our control with Gods help..is not optional if we want to live all the numbers of our days offered to us at birth. But Id love to hear him say he wanted to work on it again. [1] Being assertive means advocating for yourself without disrespecting someone else (in this case, the narcissist). Stop letting them slide with their bad behavior. Ultimately, narcissism cannot be cured only managed. God bless you all. Ill set boundaries. I really think that Kim & Steves ebooks Back From The Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbooks would benefit you, even with the separation. I just need to decide. He is controlling, a bully, very verbally abusive, calls me every name he can think of, ignores me, lives in a constant disordered mess, hates everyone, is never wrong himself,has pychotic episodes (scary) lays blame on anyone but himself etc etc. Why do i hurt for him so much when i know it will not change and he has moved on. I find myself resenting his behaviors and yet I am tying to keep my mouth shut. Hi Marje and welcome to our site, Write down what first triggered you getting angry and then go and do something to cheer yourself up and forget about him for awhile. Over, done. Once you obtain that, the cloud hoovering overhead will become smaller and smaller the sense of freedom and relief will ease and bring peace to your heart, mind, soul, and with Kim & Steves teachings overcoming our own gap work will ease putting strong boundaries in place. On these and other specific grounds Divorce is accepted by the Catholic Church via State Law, and Catholicism is one of the strictest religions. I just didnt take his bait and didnt talk about the negative thing he was trying to focus on about me. yes he already was in contact with another woman whilst I still was with him, he was on dating sites and I have learned; to him I was nothing but a narcissistic extension. Hi Kim and Steve, I dont contribute to what they have wittnessed, he is doing a fine job of that by himself. 7 Be leery of future love bombing. Keep in mind that narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and other narcissistic traits to NPD. He started calling another woman before he left. Till I got my papers he was supposed to pay spousal support, court ordered. I definitely felt stronger and more in control of my own feelings and responses to the verbal and emotional abuses. 1. When he suggested filing before the first of the month so the creditors would not take their payment, I lend you the $800.00 to pay the attorney fees since you did not have it, with the agreement that you would pay me back on the first. ThaNK YOU. Whenever she felt smothered by me or felt I went to far it was always because it was me. I am far from having a healthy relation with my husband. 4 Bore them with the "gray rock" treatment. I felt the need to give it to him as part of the seperation process for me. Looking back on a long-term relationship with a Narcissistic bf, I see I had big delusions about us both For a year we worked hard using Kims materials- which worked really well- to the point where I no longer felt weak or controlled, and my partner altered behavior beyond what Id ever (EVER) thought possible! Its pathetic and he totally blinds everyone what a user he is. Whats the answer? Why are we attracted to this type? I think the main thing is to BELIEVE and KNOW that you are not to blame for his bad moods and temper, whatever he says. 12 Amber Lives in Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK Author has 78 answers and 30.8K answer views 2 y Related The good thing I am glad he finally is looking old so the women will possibly be out of our lives. Hi Cindy, There is advice about how to get him to leave at the end of back from the Looking Glass (-: When my husband would say something similar to that I would respond with I will/can only take responsibility/accountability for my half/end of the situation, NOT your half/end of it. Let him ignore you, set your boundry and just walk off. So nice to get your response and timely! I believe that the core problem is not the differences in living conditions that we all struggle to agree on and adhere to, but the underlying cognitive inabilities and resulting lack of empathy that gives rise to such a consistent lack of regard for another person. I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. You are right when you say talking does no good. I wish you all peace and kindness in your lives. So, in a way, it is a choice. Should I stop saving him by having sex with him when I dont feel like it because of his behavior? I know he will never agree to have his check deposited into my account. His mother committed suicide when he was a child and later his father and step-mother abandon him in his mid-teens. I dont know how to get passed this hurdle, but I am willing to try because deep down, I believe he is a good man. This is soo much information but I cannot wait to make some changes. If money is borrowed I have to ask him to please find a way to make his own money through employment. If I dont look at him in his eyes he says it is rude. But I still miss him so am venerable and just hope I get stronger. I LOVE this article. Thank you!. I had an affair a year ago, I told him, and it is over. I do admit that I pushed too hard. I had terrible abandonment issues from my childhood and bereavements and his scared child behaviour never helped. Narcissists thrive on conflict. Is there anything I can do at this point to help the situation? Rejection. and after everything they do we still crying for them?- there must be some personality traits that mirror ours. However this individual, who was in my life for 2 1/2 years on and off NEVER said sorry. And to start a business that my name is on, 51% mine and that it will buy his business. Its not worth it. Right or wrong, I had to write this, of you each decide for themselves. Thanks everybody for sharing. After more and more learning and healing, the less I want to give intimacy of any kind to narcissists in the future, because it will never be an equal relationship Kims comment about pulling on the thread [of ones own] superiority really struck a chord- one of the main reasons for staying (besides much love) was, in retrospect, to feel like his hero- which meant feeling a little morally superior to him! Dependency: You feel out of control and rely on the narcissist (often unwillingly . Unfortunately, I didnt have the help you now offer. I held on for several more months hoping that he would come around, but he was really just waiting for me to cave. Lack of Accountability in Narcissists | Psychology Today (is that part of narcissism?). Perspective is all important and since a couple usually ends up living in the way the dominant partner prefers the other person can seem passive/ aggressive simply if they dont throw themselves into that lifestyle with the degree of enthusiasm the dominant person would like to see. Da, I could have written your story You are me. In the end, I regret trying to make him feel consequences. I have purchased all the books here and recommend them highly. DA from what was explained to me, a true narcissist does not know how to lovehe knows how to survive on his narcissistic supplywhich is youuntil youre not. Understanding Narcissism, by Elizabeth Shaw. I have been living his desires for all these years. I am so relieved to read LadyJanes post (response no. i cant see them. Some days I am so glad that he is gone I could scream others days I really miss his presence not him. Living with individuals with NPD means accepting the facts of 1) being the only adult in the relationship and 2) giving empathy and recieving empathy. Do not make it a call for help for yourself or they may suspect you are trying to manipulate them. He doesnt seem to be taking me seriously. A person doing something in anger or acting irrationally often plays into the narcissist's narrative that the person has . Sorry to rant. Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. While I was asleep, got my phone and synced with it taking all of my photos my phone showed that his phone synced to mine at 3:53 a.m. And he took things of mine and continued to invade my privacy until suddenly woke at 5:30 and saw him standing at the foot of my bed!!! Our whole program is about you becoming authoritive and able to take the lead effectively. Not even sure if he is narcissist, but think soalthough some days I wonder if its me instead! Sorry I dont have much time tonight please visit the page here , http://www.narcissismcured.com/12_Steps_to_End_the_Fights.html. I have set up a separate account for our bills, what do you think we can do" (this to a spendthrift partner) You Never Beat The Narcissist But once you go there you have lost haven't you? What a joke. No more thinking they can manipulate you and do whatever else they want without having to answer for it. I have experienced all of the above, married to a Narcissist with appears Sociopathic & bipolar tendencies as well. Life is hard enough without having to adapt yourself to twisted ways of relating to someone in order to have any semblance of a relationship. But wanted me to stay with him!!! It is so difficult not to become bitter. So correction, I enjoy a good material life, but nothing more really. This woman was a serial liar who could turn on the tears at will and present herself as a very convincing victim.